Skip to content

Effortless chocolate

Please read this post with an optimum pendulum-based head rotation around the horizontal plane of 135 degrees. Oscillating, mostly shipping forecast.  Preferably mangling your consonants as well.  Cup of earl grey optional, but it must be raining outside.  Or you could be drinking hot lemon and waxing nostalgic in your head about the kinds of things Cath Kidston would sell if it were a licensed sex shop.  It isn’t, I checked.

“This year’s maze is

Endless

This year’s muse is

Effortless

This year’s mess is

Chocolate.”

Seriously, though.  What a fucking pain in the arse David Gray is.  I mean, compared to certain people at in a work environment his destruction of the English language, and indeed acoustic-guitar and plinky plonk piano driven chugaboom, he is but a speck on the cosmic flypaper of life.  But still.  It is easier to berate someone I’ve never met, never will meet, never want to meet and only have a cursory knowledge of his output than the individuals who are making my 9-5 about as meaningful as his lyrics.

Anyway.  Not the time or the place.  Plans are afoot, and we shall see.  Although it would help if I could apply the same effortlessness to getting Tom through the phone call he’s currently been on hold with for weeks as I do to replying to other people’s blogs or status updates.  BECAUSE THAT’S GOING TO GET ME AN AGENT, isn’t it.

FFS.  Anyhoo.  Chocolate.  Over-rated really.  Although the Mayans would disagree.  But what with their civilisation being wiped out and all, I may sleep easy about that.  Despite choclit having caffeine in it.

What would choclit be like?  What is a praline novel?

Anyhoo.  Wittering.  Just wanted to check in with myself, as the saying goes.  Hi me.  Fancy a dairy milk button?

Narrative voice - help please….

The most common complaint I am hearing from those that I have shown the blessed (bless-ed?  CURSED) debut novel (fragments, don’t get excited Laurence), is that I am making it a bit harder to read than it should be - in a technical sense.

My problem is this (Tom is the main character):

  • I (narrator) want to talk about Tom in the third person, for when I can’t do show not tell.  Also, I need a third person narrator to help shift some of the scenery and characters around.  Tom will however be in most if not all scenes.  In my head, the narrator is simply a camera that can see into Tom’s head, and presents the world as Tom sees it, while occasionally panning out of his head to give context.
  • Tom often thinks of himself in the third person.
  • Tom has an internal monologue kind of chuntering away the whole time.
  • Tom also has clearly defined ‘thoughts’ that are ‘heard’ above the monologue - or at least should be distinguished.

So - with all that in mind, I’m writing a lot of this:

A. Tom considered the valise.  He wondered where it should rest.  ‘No rest for the wicked.’  He wasn’t wicked though.  Tom’s valise rested.

Hang on.  That’s too contrived.  This (from memory) is nearer a ‘live’ example.

B.  Tom’s Universe winked at him in the darkness.  He tried to gather his thoughts.  He failed.  They were too sticky.  ‘Like… like…like meringue.’

The problem is slipping in and out of his head.  But each time I try to clarify what is internal-general, what is internal-specific and what is simply borderline autism, it tends to make it a mess for the reader.   Do I need the quotes around meringue?  (Now there’s a sentence one doesn’t get to write every day).  There are also logical / world inconsistencies that the reader simply has to accept - ie the Universe, while the reader knows what it really physically is, has ‘living’ properties for Tom.   What I’m trying to avoid is this:

C. Tom imagined that the shapes moved in the darkness.  He was confused and couldn’t make sense of things.  He visualised his thoughts as similar in consistency to a meringue.

Do you think it’s ok to simply have this instead:

D.  Tom’s Universe winked at him in the darkness.  He tried to gather his thoughts.  Failed.  They were too sticky.  Like… like…like meringue.

Sigh.  Not a biggie really.  But I’m a little worried that it will not really turn out as I intended.  I’ve just read ‘The Gargoyle’ and the author uses a typographic device to achieve the same thing - his inner demon / snake is represente in text as block-cut texts.  It’s just that it feels like the story will lose some of the identity-based issues if I present Tom in any other way.

But then again, if no-one reads it because they keep having to double-check which ‘voice’ is speaking, then it’s all moot, n’est-ce pas?

MOOT MOOT!  Bon mots for boon moots.  Moon boots for mon bots.  If a bot were a foot that would have been perfect.  Foot moot boot.

But I digress.  I’m meant to be researching something for chapter 5.  Hush now.

There’s no need for that kind of language

It’s building, my friends.  Building.   And it looks good.  Or it will at least entertain me.  But still stubbornly unwritten.

I’m sure if we all shout loud enough we can persuade the wee timorous beastie to come out.

Unproductive

Work.  Frustration.  Work.  Frustration.  Work.  Frustration.  Work.  Frustration.  Work.  Frustration.  Typing.  Not copying.  Not pasting.  Sick of it.

And I’m really too old for this feeling sorry for myself lark.  Larks.  Singing.  Spring.  Or Autumn as it happens.

SIgh.  Anyway.  No writing.  No excuses.  I’ve been given time and space to do it.  And I haven’t.  For the sake of a stylistic device.  Or more visually, because I stopped to look down while I was crossing the chasm.

And I’m watching adverts about bobbling and shrinking, because that’s how I deal with it.  PS As much as I would like to claim the credit, I didn’t write the no artificial colours jelly sweets thing ad, although my soul brother obviously did.  THE TRUMPETS.

Sigh.  It will be easier in the morning.  As The Hothouse Flowers once said.  Although they also said there was a black cat singing by a shadow of a gatepost or something.  Which is just nonsense.  No cat would sit in a shadow.  Greedy sun-sippers.

Meisterwork interrrupted by coldus vulgaris

Having spent an hour or so on Saturday lying in the park, staring at clouds and refining plot details with Fliss, I am most disappointed to report that Tom has been left hanging on the telephone.

Literally. Metaphorically. Categorically. And probably stoically. Chapter 5 is in my head, but unfortunately a highly emotional and almost certainly re-draft-required scene needs to be written first.

And my head is full of snot. And my heart is full of misery. Well. Not full. There’s some blood and stuff as well. But mainly misery.

Normal (interesting choice of words) service will be resumed shortly.

The God of Onions

Aha.  My nemesis.  I have returned.  The God of Onions is laid bare in all his phallacies.  Or something.  My wife has just returned from a night out to accuse me of being drunk in charge of a word processor.  As if!  As if the word processor does not have a mind, and even a vocabulary of its own.

Speaking of which.  I’m fairly sure Harper Collins don’t publish novels with the word ‘fuckbeans’ in them, so I may need to consult my thesaurus.  Or Roger Mellie.  One of the two.

it’s a hard knock life.  Ok.  It isn’t at all.  It’s a life made sweeter by alluding to it having something to do with onions.  Which as my nearest and dearest will testify, I detest.  Unless cut into small enough pieces.  And therein lies a lesson for all of us.

A bientot.  1,100 words tonight.  I blame the Prosecco for everything.  Except the onions.  The cheese was probably responsible for that.

Orc-hestral downloads in the dark

I tried to be disciplined last night.  After my run home, eating, activity displacement websites A through E and only some minor faffage I sat down with Scrivener to show it who’s the daddy.  I even stopped listening to the football broadcast and listened to opera instead (anxious italian shouting seems to suit my writing habits - make of that what you will).

And some good was achieved, but it was a bit of a poor effort.  I gave up and went to bed early.

And then, hours later, having slept a while and exhausted my nervous fidgeting about life, the universe and blog posts I really should write while at work (’Should one edit the tags of the CEO’s blog?’) - the feted hour arrived - historically this has been a little before 4am - and great big swathes of script arrived fully formed in my head.

This happens a lot.  I need to let the script ‘download’ from the ether - I never know how much or how little there will be.  There’s no point waking myself up to write any of it down - I tend to be so tired that my doctor’s scrawl becomes a dentist’s.  And there’s no point trying to type it, because somehow typing tries to impose some kind of order, and there is rarely order to this stream of consciousness stuff.

I’m always convinced that the words are flowing like a river, and that it ‘arrives’ fully formed.  Which is probably down to reading too many Phil K Dick biographies when I was younger.  But also needs comparing to the dream a couple of days ago when I thought I was remembering the plot for No Country for Old Men verbatim and then realised I was ‘remembering’ some kind of survival horror nonsense.

So now, thanks in part to Brain Training on the DS, I try to fix on keywords and rebuild it from there later.  And the keywords du jour are ‘Steve Jackson’s Fighting Fantasy’, ‘A nice cup of tea and a sit down’, ‘OCD’, ‘Guilty wishes’, ‘prison service’ and ‘Belinda’.

I can’t 100% remember the trigger point, but it’s something to do with Chapter 4.  I think.  It might be about seagulls and cinammon danish, but that doesn’t quite fit.

Hmm.  Sigh.  And I guess if it’s not strictly on the page it doesn’t count - right?  It’s all kicking off though, Marjorie.

A start is still a start, no matter how many pigeons are involved

And so, the merry dance begins again.  1,100 words today.  Mostly old, but some new.  But at least I like most of them.

In other news, I dreamt last night that I could remember the plot of No Country for Old Men, but instead I was dreaming some kind of survivalist horror with the Bardem character, and then remembering (in the dream) that I wasn’t dreaming the plot properly).  It involved wall-carpet covered rooms and assembling electrical equipment.  But fortunately I awoke before I was eaten / deaded / glasgow kissed.  Sweet.

Piedgnancy

Two very contrasting experiences this morning.  Two or three doors down there must have had an argument, because there were a series of messages written in coloured chalks on the pavement leading around the corner to the high street.  Part apology, part skit, part relationship warrant, it ended with a plea to meet in the park tonight.  If I were Richard Curtis I would have been one of a small crowd of neighbours who hid in the bushes tonight, wrestling the tops off flasks of tea, sharing kendal mint cake and gushing at the nature of modern romance.  In my version she’d kick him in the nuts.

I was curious.  A very male form of expression.  Even down to the correction of a typo.  Yet somehow saying more about him than about them.  I admired the neatness.  Of the writing, if not the execution.  I thought about photographing the messages, but for what?  To put on Flickr or Facebook?  To prove what?  I know nothing about their relationship - beyond what was written in chalk - an amuse bouche for commuters.  And as drama - well - how will I know how it ends?  Will they do me (and others) the courtesy of updating us tomorrow?

It also made me think of who could be absorbing the message, both literally - on their feet - and in their throughs on the way to work.  Of who they might bump into while they were reading the message.  What that might touch.  And getting pink chalk on this season’s must-have shoes.  To clarify, I don’t have this season’s must-have shoes, but then I don’t have any pink chalk either.

Around the corner I was walking behind the bag lady.  The one I usually see when I’m running at 6am - last time, chillingly, screaming ‘peekabo’ at the top of her voice (I assume she has tourette’s).  She has plastic bags tied around her feet - blue ones, matching, unlike most other things about her - her ankles are exposed and she has the swollen, puce, feet of someone who shouldn’t walk much, let alone spend their time shuffling up and down the road between London and Bath.  She was eagerly picking her way through some form of takeaway she had lifted from a bin.  I’m unhappy to admit that I felt revulsion.  Which bizarrely enough was probably more due to imagining the sensation of cold, sticky, sauce on my fingers than the recycling aspect.

Colleagues at work frequently gather to watch the food recyclers that gather outside our office at 4.20 each day, to claim the leftovers from EAT.  I find their continued curiosity a little distasteful.  But I watch them.  My ‘colleagues’.  I guess we’re all part of the human zoo.

I walk past several sets of shoes after I see her.  Designer shoes in the only ‘designer’ second-hand shop I’ve ever known.  In Fat Face and White Stuff.  Pointless shoes.  Charity shops that will help people hundreds of miles away from Peekabo Lady.

The last of my ground-level homilies today was an abandoned business card on the steps to the city-bound tube platform.  I admired the neat way it stood up on one edge.  I liked the sheer unlikeliness of it either being placed in that fashion or discarded while walking up the stairs.  I hoped it was serendipity and worried about the very fact I doubted it was chance.  Chance is rarely so artistic.  Art needs planning.  Like chalk on roads.  And plastic on feet.

My shoes need resoling.  They’re starting to fray.  It hurts to walk on the dimples in the pavement put there to help sight-impaired people to find road crossings.

All of which contributes to some ongoing musings on the nature of risk, and the innate conservatism of most  people.  To how you find crossings.  The chance of arriving at a crossing when the little man is green.  And the chance that people are forgiven.

Jed

As a result of comments made on Laurence’s blog, it is incumbent on me to share a first draft of some description. This makes me really uncomfortable. But anyway. My prompt (from Fliss) was the word ’shoes’.

My name is Jed Nunson. I am a shoe salesman. I am a good shoe salesman. I have certificates and order books to prove it. I have sold shoes in half a dozen towns in this county, and I must have measured the feet of half the State.

I was taught the trade by my grandfather. He ran a small shoe shop, specialising in shoes for the working man. He charged more than Mellville’s, but he had a smooth manner and a loyal customer base. My mother and I moved in with him when father left to join the navy. It was only later I found out he had simply plain left - run away - not so much as taken a spare pair of laces.

Times were tough. Mother took to working in the shop, and I would help out with deliveries and general errand-running. My grandfather had a shoe-related tale for every lesson in life. I’d catch him drinking from a hipflask and he’d laugh at me and tell me he was polishing his tongue. You could always tell when he was closing a sale with the incomers working in the big new buildings in the town centre. He’d say ‘shoes maketh the man’, and smile and slap the other fellow on the back. He wasn’t always so polite afterwards, when they couldn’t make their payments on their hundred dollar shoes. I understand now.

He always made sure I had the best polished and fancily laced shoes at school. I guess he figured I was an advertisement or something for the shop. Other kids used to laugh at me, with my mirror-shine shoes and patchwork clothes. But I understood. Or I thought I did.
When I was old enough my grandfather gave me a book. It was about walking a mile in another man’s shoes. I took him at his word and traded my shoes with a boy from the other side of the tracks. My mother gave me a hell of a beating that day. But my grandfather understood. And he made me wear them shoes for a month until my feet bled.

I remember seeing my first pair of sneakers. Nate Edwards came in the store one dusty Saturday afternoon looking for some church shoes for his little Jimmy. Nate was wearing some Converse Hi-Tops. I’d only seen them on the TV before. My grandfather was horrified. He’d fitted Nate for black Oxfords ever since the man could walk - thirty years of one-pair-a-year custom going up in canvas and rubber.

That evening grandfather shouted and threw mother’s food all over the kitchen. He kept saying the world was coming to an end. ‘Grown men wearing children’s shoes’. And in a sense he was right. A bible salesman once tried to explain that you can’t spread the word of God in anything but Italian leather. I didn’t buy the bible, but he was right about the shoes.

I guess that’s when things started to go wrong. Less customers meant less shoes sold meant less shoes repaired meant less laces sold. Boxes of boot polish and little brush sets started piling up in the back room. And the place started to smell more of the whisky that grandfather kept under the counter. Mellville’s diversified, my grandfather didn’t.

I guess mother should have left then. Could have left then. She was still young enough to learn another trade. But she was still hoping one day my father would return and pick up the shoes he’d left at the end of the bed. And she liked mending things. When the work started drying up, she kinda disappeared into herself a little more.

I moved out on my 21st birthday. I took a job in another town up the highway in a Mellville’s franchise outlet. My first day was tough. My co-workers found my ways stuffy and threw shoe-horns at me when I told the customers they were wrong to but athletic footwear over american formal wear. But I learnt. And by the end of the month I was outselling the rest of the team combined.
That was 20 years ago now. I’ve sold a lot of shoes. Some good. Most of them bad. My grandfather passed on, and mother’s now in a home. I go to visit her and usually find her sewing. She’s not so unhappy. In grandfather’s will he left me his silver plated polishing set, which I keep in the car and use for impressing the important clients. They like the personal touch. Even if they’re only buying shoes.

I guess I’ll keep selling shoes till I die now. It’s in my blood. But people don’t respect you any more. They don’t care for craft or comfort. I wonder about this country. But most of all I wonder about their shoes.